Oh, Everyone’s Related

Monica named the animals. There was never a formal introduction — no “Henceforth we shall call every goose Jack,” and not even “Todd, meet Jack.” The way you first learned of an animal’s name was by hearing Monica address that animal by that name. “Get your kids away from the road, Jack,” as though the name was already common knowledge.

“There you go, Little Friend.”

Near our house by the river, there’s a groundhog named Phil, a raccoon named Rocky, a heron named Huey, a dozen or more dogs all named Larry, and unquantifiable red squirrels all named Biff. Every goose is named Jack, unless she’s a Jill. If you’re a fan of Groundhog Day, The Beatles, Back to the Future, alliteration, or nursery rhymes, you may be thinking: yes, Monica’s right — most of these names are common knowledge.

When not in our neighborhood, all groundhogs are Phil’s cousin. All herons are Huey’s cousin. All raccoons are Rocky’s cousin. And so on. For Monica, anyone you love who doesn’t live at home is a cousin.

She once helped a small turtle cross the street in our neighborhood — not by picking it up, but by shuffling slowly alongside it, guiding it to safety. Eventually arriving at the other side of the street, Monica said, “There you go, Little Friend,” and the turtle slipped down the bank into the lake, and Monica laughed gleefully.

I forgot to mention that every deer is named Friend, unless it’s a fawn. Then its name is Bébé, based on Catherine O’Hara’s celebration of the word on Schitt’s Creek. Collectively, you call the deer The Friends. Deer are The Friends, no matter where in the world you find them, which is to say, there’s no such thing as a Friend’s cousin.

An egret is an Egret, unless perched in a tree, as they often are on the big bend in the Huron River between our house and town. That bird is a Treegret. Sometimes Monica and I worked together on the names. One time we spotted a Pentatreegreton: five Treegrets perched on limbs in a pentagon formation. Once in a lifetime.

You may have questions about the naming rules. Is the turtle related to the deer? Hey, I’m just here to play, same as you, and we’re playing by Monica’s rules. I do have home field advantage though, so I can guess what Monica would say about the turtle and deer:

“Oh, everyone’s related. It’s fun.”

Be safe, Cousins. Thanks for listening.